On Easter Sunday, Pastor Skip “Hollywood” Heitzig told his devoted followers — er, Christ’s devout followers — that non-Christians are “afraid Christ lives.” News-flash, Skippy: I’m not afraid of Jesus, dead or alive, though some of his fanatics are scary. In fact, I truly wish Jesus were alive and would appear before the entire world or, at least, before his true believers and say, “what’s wrong with you people? Have you understood anything I said?”

There are several reasons Jesus doesn’t scare me. I’m agnostic on whether there really was a Jesus, though it is suspicious that most of stories about him were made up — written down — a hundred years or more after his supposed time. Whether he ever lived or not, all men die. I sometimes wish that weren’t true, but it is.

If Jesus lived, he was not the son of god for the simple fact that there is no god. Nor did Zeus father the Minotaur. We tell ourselves many great and even beautiful stories for good purpose: to pass along culture. We just forget one should not believe everything one thinks. And metaphor, however instructive, isn’t literal.

There was an interesting story on NPR yesterday about a missionary-turned-linguist. The missionary went to spread the word to a little-known tribe in the remote Amazon. When he told them about the resurrection, they said, “wow, that’s amazing. What did he say when you talked to him about that?” Upon learning that this missionary hadn’t actually witnessed this miracle, they lost all interest. You can be sure that thumping a book makes no difference to them.

Now, it’s not my purpose to piss on other people’s beliefs, so long as those people remain harmless. Which brings me back to not fearing Jesus while being more than leery of his most rabid followers. People like Pastor Skipper scare me because their use of god to enrich and empower themselves is so blatant and yet welcomed by their followers. Those unquestioning followers scare me because they are willing to be lead by people who preach love and forgiveness mixed with fear and threat. Heizig has arrogated Christ’s role himself: none shall enter heaven except through him (or the next mullah). Nice scam.

Surprisingly, I was raised with the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This entry alone is proof of my frailty. Don’t expect me to live up to Christ’s simplest and most practical advice if those who want eternal life as reward for doing so can’t manage. mjh