Daily Kos: Re-Improved Colbert transcript (now with complete text of Colbert-Thomas video!)

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. …

The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never will.

As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president’s side, and the vice president’s side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they’re super-depressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good — over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works: the president makes decisions. He’s the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put ’em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know – fiction!

Read the whole transcript — it is full of zings and barbs. Colbert’s presentation is amazingly blunt and wreckless. I hope everyone in the audience squirmed constantly. mjh

[Thanks, Jas.]

All Kidding Aside By Dan Froomkin, Special to washingtonpost.com

So was the biggest news of the night that Bush so effectively and humorously poked fun at himself? Or that a captive president — and, to a lesser degree, the press corps — had so sit and watch as they were subjected to devastating, vitriolic satire?

Possibly because they themselves were targets, most reporters chose to downplay the Colbert part of the evening. …

“As Colbert walked from the podium, when it was over, the president and First Lady gave him quick nods, unsmiling, and handshakes, and left immediately.”

Here’s what CNN’s Ed Henry reported: “Now, the president ended his remarks by — his official remarks by saying that it’s really important to laugh in this job. That’s probably more true than ever, now that he’s so low in the polls. But I have to tell you, near the end of Stephen Colbert’s routine, the president didn’t really seem to be laughing. He actually seemed to be a little bit annoyed at some of the pokes from Stephen Colbert, it went on for a bit.”

The Moderate Voice – Colbert’s White House Correspondent Dinner Performance Underscores Irony’s Power And Delicacy [lots of excerpts of reactions from Left and Right]