From the Desk of the CEO of AOL

On behalf of myself, the board, and our shareholders, I feel required to thank you for your recent efforts in winning the call center competition. We considered giving you a raise (kidding) or a one-time bonus, but concluded it would be more fiscally responsible (ie, cheaper and more deductible) to pay $10,000 to a football player to try to inspire you into keeping up the drop-dead pace at which you have been working. Thanks to you forgoing bathroom breaks, I will get $10 million in bonuses this year. I can’t thank you enough. You are vitally important to our company, even though you could be replaced in an instant by someone making less money.

Next month we will be cutting your medical benefits again, but you will be glad to know we’re paying Dr Phil $100,000 to inspire you to accept your fate. When we abruptly close your call center to ship the jobs to a place where your hourly pay is considered good monthly pay, we will try to get you a free AOL CD as a token of our real appreciation. Now, back to work, lazy slaves! You can read on your own damn time.