Category Archives: loco

As Tip O’Neill never said, “All politics is loco.”

media

Alibi Short Fiction Contest

I didn’t submit anything to the Alibi’s short fiction contest this year, so I feel particularly free to say they made terrible choices for 1st and 3rd place (which is a ripoff of a well-known Twilight Zone). My selections are from the Honorable Mentions. mjh

mjh’s 1st: “Second Impulse”

If only the dog hadn’t died. But there was the new neighbor, digging frantically in the secluded corner behind his shed, trying to bury Fido before the family returned to wail over his act of vehicular homicide.

Any minute he would unearth the human skeleton. There would be no wallet, no clothing, no dentures to find; but the bones would reveal the congenital limp. That was always the worst of an impulsive murder. It was so hard to dispose of all the evidence permanently.

Now there was no choice. The unlucky neighbor would have to disappear. An offer to help, a blow from a second shovel. Nothing could be easier.

Only, where would she hide the body?

—Thayla Wright

mjh’s 2nd: “Small Print”

Unceremoniously, the Build-a-Universe kit arrived, crammed into my mailbox, displacing my cat Schrödinger from her favorite sleeping place.

The super-stringed box, labeled with my assumed name Ima Godd, magically unfolded itself at my first touch.

Astoundingly revealed were quantum baggies full of pin-wheeling plastic galaxies, fuzzy balled proto-stars, shrink-wrapped neutron stars, and a dark, sucking bundle of black holes.

Following the instruction book, I Hawking-blended all those ingredients into a cosmic soup.

But time stood still when I read the manual’s last line that froze everything at T minus zero entropy–“Big Bang not included.”

—John Orman

mjh’s 3rd: “Dreams”

The little girl dreamed of having a cat, ballet shoes, flawless skin, and her first school dance. As a collegian she dreamed of straight hair, iambic pentameter, and roaring lions on the steps of the White House. Then came the dream of the perfect soufflé and a baby supported by Ken, the perfect man. (This led to fantasies involving the mailman.) Following were visions of saving polar bears, going vegan, and educating the masses. World peace was in there somewhere.

Now she keeps it simple. She dreams of dancing the tango. And sex—coming out of nowhere sex—unexpected, intense, dripping, and hot—with a stranger. Saving the polar bears is still in there somewhere.

—Judy Garner

mjh’s Honorable Mention: “Not Art”

Dru catches fairies and bakes them into cakes. It’s not an art, she says, it’s a science. She wakes up early and stalks through the garden. The best fairies come out early. Who would want to eat those lazy fairies that only wake up at noon, to drag themselves out and slouch from tulip petal to tulip petal? No. That’s like buying Hershey’s chocolate when you know you could drive downtown and get the good German stuff for just a few dollars more. Only 2 a.m. fairies are cake-worthy. She grinds them into the batter, juices them into the frosting, decorates the top with their crunchy little bones. “Delicious.” She licks her fingers. “Science,” she says. “Not art.”

—Sara Cordova

alibi . june 14 – 20, 2007
http://www.alibi.com/index.php?story=19383&scn=feature
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[mjh: Until next year, I leave you with my entries from yesteryears:]

2006: mjh’s blog — I Submit

I Submit

2004: mjh’s blog — Ridiculously Short Fiction

Ridiculously Short Fiction

loco

Welcome to Denver, er, Dallas, er, who cares?

We need to get our act together NOW to restrict skyscrapers to specific areas. I can live with downtown as a sacrifice zone, but monster-buildings outside of that basin are a sharp stick in everyone’s eye. The vista is doomed. Someone is going to get rich ruining Albuquerque. mjh

Proposed 30-story Albuquerque high-rise would be tallest in N.M. By Erik Siemers

In what could be the first significant change to Albuquerque’s skyline since 1990, a developer is proposing a 30-story high-rise condominium development on the west end of Downtown.

The estimated $175 million project, called the Residences at Packard Place, would be the tallest building in New Mexico, eclipsing the 22-story Albuquerque Plaza office building Downtown. …

The Downtown project isn’t the only high-rise being conceptualized in the city.

Local commercial development company Chant Associates is working on a project that could bring a 25- to 30-story mixed-use high-rise to the corner of Jefferson Street and I-25, where Johnny Carino’s Italian restaurant used to be.

http://www.abqtrib.com/news/2007/jun/15/proposed-30-story-albuquerque-high-rise-would-be-t/

How long before Lucky Jason Daskalos gives into penis envy and builds something even bigger. He’ll put a bar at the top so he can get higher than anyone in New Mexico. And a ramp for his Porsche. mjh

loco

Stupid Passtime

1 Comment

KRQE News 13 – Paintball potshots end in arrest

An alleged drive-by shooter was arrested Sunday after an officer spotted him firing at pedestrians with a paintball gun, Albuquerque police reported. …

On Sunday morning, Ernest Jerry Molina is accused of taking those factors for granted while shooting at people from his truck at Central Avenue and Washington Street.

An officer reported witnessing the shooting. Molina was thrown in jail, charged with propulsion of missiles.

“The problem with this is the guns look very similar and almost exactly to a regular weapon,” Hoffman said.

Even up close a paintball gun does appear to be a deadly weapon, and it shoots like one.

That’s why it’s taken so seriously by paintball gamers and game centers. A paintball bullet can cause serious injury if hit hard enough and in a vulnerable place.

“If they’re shot in the eye, … it could take an eye out.” Conrad Morawski of Hinkle Family Fun Center said. “If they get shot in the head at 400 feet per second there’s a possibility for brain damage.”

In rare cases, death can even result. …

Molina, who reportedly admitted his actions, is out on bond and id expected in court Tuesday.

I’m not an ‘eye-for-an-eye’ guy, but Molina should know what a stupid and cruel thing he did. mjh

mjh’s blog — Photo of Paintball Wound

Photo of Paintball Wound

photo of paintball wound

media

TV is to America as Lead Pipes were to Rome

I’m nauseated by recent ads for video screens in cars and vans. One features a busload of unruly children, the other a classroom in chaos. In both, an adult flips down a tiny, worthless video screen and the children are instantly in their seats and transfixed faster than any medication could accomplish.

Leave aside that advertising routinely and perversely presents its customers as idiots. (This speaks volumes about what advertisers think of you and me.) You want discipline, order, quiet — drug ’em, Dan-o! Mesmerize them with TV, the babysitter they have known almost as long as Mom.

Mind you, I have two TVs and no kids. Further, I spent much of my youth and too much of the rest of my life in front of the idiot box, “the chattering cyclops,” as Sideshow Bob put it. I’m also a wireless fan and grasp the notion of always being jacked in. I’m no Luddite. However, for god’s sake, people, have the spine to discipline your children without drugs, electronica or bribes. Have the intelligence to entertain and educate them your own goddamn self. Teach them to read. On long car trips, teach them to sit and do nothing — it is a very valuable skill. If you can’t amuse yourself, your life will always be empty. mjh

PS: As the Journal reported on page one (ABQjournal: It’s Like a Couch on Wheels Albuquerque Demo Spotlights In-Car Satellite TV Service), you can also get a giant screen and huge satellite antenna for your van. Great for tailgating parties where no one wants to talk to anyone else. Now, you don’t have to miss the halftime shows or commercials while you kill yourself with food and alcohol in the parking lot. Go team!

[mjh: A couple of Journal columnists addressed this nonsense and similar commonsense recently]

ABQjournal: Talk Isn’t Cheap, Neither are Car TV Systems By D’Val Westphal Of the Journal

How on earth has my family survived without satellite television in our vehicles?

Silly us, we’ve been spending all our commutes, quick trips on errands and vacations actually talking to each other. … We could’ve been circling the block zoned out to “American Idol” instead. …

To those who opt for mobile satellite TV— many clearly will … — I’m glad you can get service for $4.99 a month. I’ll save my cash for an even safer, greener vehicle, and I’ll spend my drive time talking to my family for free.
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ABQjournal: Don’t Forget You’re Human By Jim Belshaw Of the Journal

The trouble with being invincible is that, when you’re flying around the inside of a disintegrating car or you find yourself in the middle of a dogfight (a very bad place to be, I can attest), your invincibility always takes a beating, and sometimes you take others down with you in the bargain.

So, not to be a pest or anything, when you take Fido out for a run put him on a leash. OK?

And when you’re driving over to the bosque for that morning’s jog, wear your damn seat belt.

loco

You want catch-up with that?

I hate it when my real life interferes with my virtual life. What’s a blogger to do? Well, the wise thing is to let some things slide on by unremarked. Failing that, try an aggregate posting.

A week ago, NM Republicans met for a Domenici love-fest. Republicans hold “Lincoln Dinners” all over the country. Even in Mississippi? Lincoln was a uniter not a divider, in the long run, but that may not be the prevailing view in the Deep South. How do southern Republicans handle the cognitive dissonance? Or is Lincoln not on recruiting literature down south?

I’m sure the mood at the Lincoln Dinner was extra jubilant over the Metro Court Scandal. Though Manny Aragon represents the past for the Democratic Party (as Teddy Roosevelt represents the forever-past of the GOP), he still looms large. His stature should help him in prison. I find my own amusement in the role of Ken Schultz, former Mayor of Albuquerque. Ken was a weaselly car salesman who, along with “Big J” Johnson and Duhbya, represents one of two Republican beliefs. (1) A businessman will get it done. (2) Destroy government from within through aggressive incompetence. Those are not mutually exclusive beliefs, as we continue to see at all levels of the Bush Administration. After serving (servicing?) the public, Ken Schultz continued to serve as bagman and go-between, carrying petty cash from one corrupt person to another. Thanks, Ken, for reminding us that corruption is a two-party system and when you want to screw the Public, nobody gets it done like a businessman.

Regarding the near-lifesize, purportedly-anatomically-correct (who really knows besides Mary?) chocolate Jesus: what were they thinking? How could this not be controversial? I’m reminded of “The Cook, His Wife, Her Lover and The Thief” (an unpleasant experience itself): “Try the cock — you know where it has been!” Or not, in this case, perhaps. For the record, at the first Valentine’s Day Pajama Party more than 20 years ago, we ate a chocolate Jesus. Been there; done that; threw away the t-shirt.

It has been great to see the outrage over the Million Dollar Coach. (And sad to see my friend Arthur Alpert brush away the expense, as did everyone on The Line but Gene Grant, hockey player.) It is also good to see some put two and two together and wonder about the gutting of a cheap program for poor kids at UNM. We just can’t find the money — the pittance — what with Iraq and gold-plated sports programs. Let’s have a bake sale cuz the people who control the money couldn’t care less.

There were two landmark events for me regarding my book this week. First, ever so briefly, my book rose to #88 in the top 100 computer books on Amazon. That made all those days at #650,000 (of all book, not just computer books). pale a bit. The book has since fluctuated somewhere between #5000 and #25000. Still no review.

Mer and I also saw my book in a bookstore for the first time (the new Borders in the new Qmall — ugh). Very cool, even if it was mis-shelved. In a cosmic moment, I moved from my book to Around 505, a magazine, which printed two of my photos this month. All this to the soothing voice of a Buddhist monk who had the crowd chuckling like a comedy club underwater.

I think Buddhism, like much thoughtful human philosophy, has wonderful advice and insight into the human experience. I abandoned any thought of becoming a Buddhist as I began to realize it is as grotesquely ritualized and hierarchical as any other religion — another insight into the human experience. Apparently, we need rules and structure, just like dogs. Happy Non-sectarian Spring Friday! Have some chocolate.

Speaking of dogs, I have a nit to pick with a report today in which it is said a recent study shows “why” dogs vary so much in size. It does not. The answer to “why” is “because that’s what we want.” Mendel proved you don’t need to know anything about DNA to change living things, even radically. It just takes time. The latest discovery doesn’t even really answer “how.” That answer is “through selective breeding.” The study, which I don’t mean to dismiss with this, answers the longer question: what is happening at a genetic level as we play god to dogs or which gene do we currently believe holds the key. Science is always in the present. Hmmm — just like dogs. peace, mjh

loco

Campus Wages

In keeping with the earlier entries about the cost of sports — especially, outrageous salaries — you may want to see what NOW reports on low-salary workers at Vanderbilt. mjh

A Living Wage . NOW | PBS [mjh: in New Mexico on KNME-5, 8pm Friday, 3/30]

This week, NOW examines the fight for a “living wage”—the pay needed to cover an actual week’s worth of living—on the Nashville, Tennessee campus of Vanderbilt University. The chancellor there earns $1.2 million a year, the endowment is $3 billion, but some of the school’s lowest-paid workers—groundskeepers, custodians, and dining service workers—earn less than $8.00 an hour.

Is the university really sensitive to their basic needs? NOW Senior Correspondent Maria Hinojosa reports that with the help of student activists and public figures like actor Danny Glover, the workers recently won a wage increase.

“We have our home here. And I’m fighting—we’re both fighting to hold on to it,” says Vanderbilt custodian Dewayne Arbogast. “And the only way we can do that is to make sure Vanderbilt continues to pay us adequately.”

NOW travels to Nashville to talk with workers, university staff, and activists about the striking gap not just between Vanderbilt’s budget allocations, but between disparate people who share a common loyalty to campus and school.

http://www.pbs.org/now/shows/313/index.html

loco

Even a Million Dollar Coach Needs Help

The snowball is rolling (or is it a snow-job?). You can’t expect a Million Dollar Coach to do everything himself and you can’t expect his assistants to work cheap. Ain’t it thrilling to see the commitment the University is willing to make for greatness — of some kind.

Recall that Jamie Koch said there will be no raises for faculty until the Legislature pays for them, but we’ll find the money somehow for all the solid gold coaches we want. mjh

ABQjournal: NCAA Basketball: Alford’s Top Aide, Who Will Make $250,000, Is Learning His Away Around By Mark Smith, Journal Staff Writer

Craig Neal, the top assistant to recently hired University of New Mexico men’s basketball coach Steve Alford, held his first workout with the Lobos on Tuesday.

UNM athletic director Paul Krebs said Neal’s base salary is $150,000 per year with a total compensation of $250,000.

Asked where the added revenue is coming from, Krebs said the details of Neal’s contract are still being finalized and should be released within a week or so.

Former coach Ritchie McKay’s three-man coaching staff— combined— made around $268,000 a year. [mjh: so one guy will get the same money as three. And there will be more than one guy.]

Reactions on Campus

UNM could get 225 tuitions, or 1 coach, by Caleb Fort, Daily Lobo

One head basketball coach costs UNM as much as 10 full professors.

“I think it seems ridiculous,” student Trisstin Maroney said. “Think of what else you could spend the money for his salary on – pretty much anything else.”

Steve Alford’s $975,000 salary could also pay for 17 assistant professors or tuition and fees for 225 students.

Coach’s big salary doesn’t add up to a better record – Opinion
Editor,

Basketball does not interest me, but a $975,000 salary does. That amounts to $37.50 per student per year, which is an increase of $18.27 over former head coach Ritchie McKay. These funds could have been used for a tuition break or a raise for faculty. After seeing Steve Alford’s salary and paying the recent tuition increase, I wondered why this was necessary.

After examining the records of the two coaches – a painful process for someone who isn’t a sports fan – I found that McKay won 54 percent of the time at UNM. Alford’s career record has him winning 63 percent of the time. If these records are applied to next season, statistically speaking, Alford will win three games that McKay would have lost. Given the difference in pay between the two coaches, those three wins will cost $158,333 each.

When you consider that McKay is still being paid $200,000 per year by UNM for terminating his contract early, the figure jumps to $225,000 per extra win for the next three years. Is a quarter of $1 million really worth it for winning a basketball game?

Clayton Meredith
UNM student

Athletics unfairly wastes students’ tuition money – Opinion
Editor,

I find it deplorable the way UNM has been squandering students’ hard-earned tuition money. The first shock was learning that Ritchie McKay was being paid $500,000 a year by UNM. Next came the $600,000 it took to fire McKay, so we could get a new coach instead of letting McKay’s contract run its course. Finally, as if that wasn’t bad enough, UNM announced that it is going to pay the new head coach, Steve Alford, $975,000.

It seems strange that a so-called academic institution would pay its basketball coach 10 times as much as a full professor. It wasn’t even a month ago that the Legislature passed a bill to ensure that students currently receiving the Lottery Scholarship will be exempt from future tuition increases.

Perhaps before suffering yet another tuition hike, it is time for a complete public audit of the athletics programs at UNM. Maybe then the students can decide whether or not they are willing to pay the price for a winning sports team. We could determine once and for all if college athletics are the big moneymaker they claim to be, or just an increasingly deep pit for all of our tuition money.

Andrew Collord
UNM student